It was dark and hot.
I see nothing but the sparks and small light I was guiding.
My hands were shaking.
Then I felt hands wrap around mine tightly,
I dismissed any assumptions as quickly as they came.
Don’t put meaning to things.
I am grateful for the mask,
Else you might have seen,
How I stopped blinking,
And just stared at the light,
I wondered what you were thinking—
The light disappeared,
The sparks were gone.
Your hands released mine.
We removed our masks,
And acted normally.
It’s that feeling again. That feeling of moving forward, but not fast enough.
It’s that feeling again. Memories from last year remembered from reading a novel whose lead male character is only one letter short of his name.
It’s that feeling again. The need to slow down. Collect my thoughts. That feeling that the reason I probably want to speed up work so much is to forget the pains of 2016. But the very act of using work to distract me is very much like him. Thus, the need to slow down and face whatever I need to face. I am nothing like him. I will never be like him.
He would make the decision to leave you himself so that he knows for a fact he can never hurt you again. -Colleen Hoover, It Ends with Us: A Novel
It’s that feeling again. The desire to give him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he was trying to save me from pain? He warned me from the start. “Don’t get too close. Masasaktan ka lang.” I did not listen.
It seems I will spend the rest of my life wondering what was actually going on in his head the day I flew back home. Maybe it wasn’t easy for him not to say goodbye? Yeah. I’m crazy enough to even wonder (people think I was crazy enough to even have felt something in the first place).
One day maybe I will realize it doesn’t matter what he was thinking about.
It doesn’t matter anymore.
The vast space in front of me,
Made me feel alive and free;
Cool wind blew very gently,
As the sun sank behind the sea.
I spread my arms wide open,
Closed my eyes and ran in a big circle;
No words could ever describe,
The joy I felt in that stride.
It was as if I could run,
Endlessly in the field of sand;
The child in me was fully awakened,
There was no fear at that moment.
Now I am far from that place,
Feeling pressure and almost in a daze.
Life can sometimes be misleading,
You realize the wrong things you have been doing.
Still, strongly I believe,
Peace is somewhere inside of me;
I will find it just as I did
In that brief moment by the sea,
When I felt so alive and free.
photo credit: MRSPoblete, Paoay Sand Dunes, June 2014